327) My Heart Murmurs

February 10, 2009

El Milagro:
Joseph the Tech sticks me today, with Celeste the Nurse doing my nursing eval. Before Joseph is done, Dr. Venkatesh and Ann the Nurse come up to talk about my bloody nose... they report that my blood count from that day was 10 point something; Dr V. says thats low and it is probably just a normal part of my decreasing kidney function due to ESRD. They will be giving me more epo. Dr. V. also asks if she can do my annual "mini-physical" ... "I can't do a real physical here..." and I say, "sure" wondering what makes it a physical at all. Well, the answer seems to be that when she listens to my heart lungs etc., she puts the stethascope INSIDE my shirt! She listens to me carefully and then reports, "I hear your heart murmur". What? I never had a murmur! ... and I say so to her... and she replies, "Well I'll check your records..." as if I am wrong or forgot or something... I assure her that my Dr. Lewis who does my annual transplant physical said my heart was in great shape... and he never said anything about a murmur. Dr. V. nods her head, smiles, and repeats that she'll check my records. Now, what am I supposed to think about that! Seems suspiciously like (and this is a hallucination, BTW) she is more worried and maybe surprised that I think I don't have a murmur so she is going to back off and check it out. Meanwhile, my BP is probably going up, since I am starting to fret about this new data. My machine pumps my arm for a BP check and when done I lean over to see what it is... 108/90... oh well, I guess my body isn't as worried as my head. I settle back, having this biofeedback to calm myself down.

What is a murmur anyway? Doesn't sound too bad. "Murmur". Sounds soft and gentle. I sigh. I go off in my head to another worry today: that my boss Kim is more and more annoyed about the time I am spending on developing a Power Point for a conference presentation... especially since I always maintain that the research on Power Points suggests that they are not really helpful in adult education and the learning process. I maintain that I am not going to use it the way most folks do (although I only hope that is the case), and that my time usage is part of the learning curve, and the goal is actually to learn to get to using video clips that can be put on a disc and used with power point. I think that she thinks that I put too much time into tinkering with the "look" of the thing rather than just doing it in a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" style. I also remind her that I am handling the other tasks I have to do at the same time, but I can tell she is still peeved about the whole thing. I am thinking here today about if I want to try to talk to her about it, hope she reads this message (although she doesn't really read the blog anymore), or if I should just let it lay. I recall my old favorite client from the El Paso projects... an old black woman who had the wiseness of generations of poverty to draw upon when she used to say, "Shit smells when you stir it" about messing with a welfare mistake. So, maybe I just let it go and see what happens.

Dr. V. returns to interrupt my thoughts... "Have you had an electrocardiogram in the last year?" I hear her say. I shake my head and say, "No... I've never had one of those..." She continues that she wants me to have one, just to check out what she heard. Okay. Now I'm worried. Ann comes by several times while we are figuring out when I could get one of these electrocariograms and my anxiety rises... by ABC News time she has an appointment for me for February 25th. Damn! I was hoping to do this thing in the next few days... now I have to worry for weeks... unless I forget the whole thing... which is also possible.

I must sleep. Get this out my head. I doze and wake up to find an incredibly interesting NOVA... thank God for that. NOVA is a two-hour special about the question of science, evolution, and intellegent design. Really an excellent and thought-provoking show. Helps take my mind away into the world of TV-Land.

At the end of my session, Carrie the Tech un-hooks me and I wander out into the night awaiting the coming storm that the techs hear is gonna hit in 20 minutes. The wind is up and the drive home is swooshy in the truck. Oh, and I read on the appointment slip that I am up for an ECHO-CARDIOGRAM, not an electrocardiogram.

Notes: In at 77.8 and out at 75.3 Kgs.

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